Thursday, September 24, 2009

Silent emotions

Imagine this and imagine it vividly in your mind as best as you can:

You sitting in your chair in front of your computer and books.
You stopping whatever you were doing and turning your head towards the large window to your side, while one arm supporting your chin as your gaze drifting softly at the scene beyond the window.
You watching the continuous stream of traffic on the road across your vision field, hearing the muffled sound of vehicles zooming pass as people move on with their lives and realising you with yours.
You noticing the distant sky scattered with clouds and the sun shying away behind the thick still clouds.
You barely knowing what is in your mind at the mundanity of the moment and being oblivious that you are caught in a tranquillising trance.
You holding in this position in the physical and mental sense for minutes and minutes that when you snap out of it you realise perhaps 10 minutes has gone pass.

This is how I lost presence in this world. This is the melancholy in me emerging spontaneously at random times. This is one of the moments in life that I feel most calm and become deadly quiet - almost everything seems so crystal to me as I observe a snapshot of the world outside my window moving with time while my body is held in time stasis.

Speaking of time, I realise it is a waste, but I simply cannot help it.While in this trance, a great concoction of feelings comes splashing in an overwhelming force and these feelings are often the most difficult things for me to describe. Is is sadness? Longing? Helplessness? Frustration? Or is this what melancholy really is?

Perhaps I will never know the answer. But the answer does not matter to me. The whole experience means so much more to me. I consider it one the pleasures of life, actually.

You might raise an eyebrow to that last sentence, but I consider experiences and savouring emotions as ways to live your life fully. I thinks I would miss out on a lot if I didn't get to experience as many different kinds of emotion. It's just a waste to live without tasting them. (Okay, I think I'm starting to not make any sense, so I'll stop talking about it. But if somehow I do make sense to any of you, maybe you have found a mate!)

Although my melancholy can be brought about deliberately (which isn't very common of me), it is oft most triggered. By music. (Not again)

Here's one:

Just click on it. Three minutes of audio data is hardly a permanent damage to your monthly internet quota.

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed its knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me...

Cause, I built a home
for you
for me

Until it disappeared
from me
from you

And now, it's time to leave and turn to dust...

Rarely you come across such powerful lyrics. Good songs are truly difficult to come by nowadays.

P.S. I may be misinterpreted by you as being "emotional" (the term as defined by people to describe certain difficult-to-handle people, as in "You're soooooo freakin' emotional!!!"). Those who truly know me would know better than to say I'm that kind of emotional.

P.P.S. Maybe I just simply miss home.

5 echoes:

pakar-sakit-puan said...

You should see a doctor

September 24, 2009 at 10:55 PM
Anonymous said...

I totally feel you when you wrote "I think I would miss out on a lot if I didn't get to experience certain types of emotion. It's just a waste to live without tasting them." Not freaky at all, mate. Continue to savour the subtle wonders of life which some are too much in a hurry to experience.

September 25, 2009 at 12:38 PM
pakar-sakit-puan said...

haha haris aku ni la belong. saje je trolling. aku kan suka trolling kat page ko

September 25, 2009 at 4:06 PM
Haris Noor said...

Knowing you, I totally don't mind you trolling about. In fact, keep on trolling as you like. What actually interest me is that you needed to clarify who you are. As if things weren't already obvious.

I'm glad to find a mate. Hope you enjoy your trip at Korea.

September 26, 2009 at 12:42 AM
pakar-sakit-tuan said...

harsh words for pakar-sakit-puan.haha.maybe pakar-sakit-puan prefers the notion of obviousness rather than being enigmatic about it?but belong,an enigma?misteri nusantara more like it.
i wonder if i am as obvious?

September 28, 2009 at 6:36 PM

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